I spent the last week learning how to bend, twist, and press my victim, er, partner properly, learned the Thai word for “pain,” and am now a certified Thai masseur.

At school

I was looking for a way to learn something about Thai culture (besides standing in queues), and hopefully meet some Thais. What better way than learning to give a Thai massage? And it was not only a good way to learn a unique skill. It was the same course Thais who want to get massage jobs take, so it was a good way to meet Thais who aren’t trying to sell me stuff.

It’s totally different from the Swedish massages (known as oil massages here) popular back home, and no oils or powders are involved. No kneading is involved either. A Thai massage consists of applying pressure to a series of points on the legs, arms, back, neck, and head. To do this, the thumbs are mostly used, but pressure is also applied with the palms, elbows, and even the soles of the feet. There are also a few yoga stretches where you get to bend your victim into weird positions, sit on their back, and even stand on them!

I was partnered with the lovely Kate (since Thai names are unpronounceable, all Thais have a monosyllabic nickname), who wants to be a masseuse. Our instructor was Samchai. Somchai was a good teacher, but, like all the instructors, did not speak English. This made the learning process slightly more difficult for me, but not impossible. I was able to learn by example, and Kate was sometimes able to translate. And when I made a mistake, Somchai would smack the offending appendage with a rolled up newspaper.

But it was impossible to pick up on some of the finer points. While Kate was able to ask detailed questions, and receive detailed replies, I was only able to muddle on. Sometimes the other farangs would help me. I couldn’t remember to point my fingers outwards when moving from the calf to the thigh. Finally a French guy explained the obvious: point your fingers away from the crotch!

Giving a Thai massage is hard work, and after the first day, my back was killing me from kneeling so much. I eventually learned to relax, but never was able to totally relieve the pain. By the sixth day, I was feeling sort of confident about what I was doing. At the end of the day I had to give Samchai a massage. I guess I did OK, because he gave me my diploma. Kate was really nervous for some reason, and refused to attempt the “test,” even though she gave better massages than me. She says she will practice more, and try next week.

If you’re in the neighborhood, I give you massaaage. I give you special price.

And the Thai word for “pain” is jep.