That’s the moto of the Thai language school I’ve enrolled myself in. It means “look well, listen well, think well, speak loudly.”

Our teacher, Kruu Chutikaan, has three weeks to pound the basics of the Thai language into our brains. We started off pretty simply by practicing saying vowels. Vowels are part of what makes Thai difficult for English speakers. There are 18 of them, some long, some short. Short vowels are not a problem, you just say the sound normally. But the long vowels are held for an unnaturally long amount of time. So whey you say “hello,” you say sawatdii, and hold that last “ii.”

Still not too much of a problem? Here’s a bit of bad news, then. There are some vowels in Thai that don’t exist in English. There’s an “uh” you say with clenched teeth, as if you were in pain. And an “ugh,” without the “gh,” again, as if you were in pain. Both of which can be either long or short. As we practiced these sounds, a passerby would think the whole class was dying.

There are also some strange consonants, such as a “bp” halfway between a “b” and a “p,” and an “ng” halfway between an “n” and a “g.” There is even an “r” sound that’s rolled. I can’t do this, and it comes out halfway between an “r” and an “l.” Luckily, Thais have the same problem, which is why they call me “Telly.”

Still, nothing too difficult, here. Until we add the one final detail. In theory, it doesn’t sound too bad, but in practice it makes Thai very frustrating. Tones. There’s five of ‘em. The mid tone, no problem, just say the word normally. Today KruuChutikann explained the falling and rising tones. The falling tone doesn’t just fall, it rises, then falls. And the rising tone falls, then rises. We all nodded our heads reflexively as we practiced going up, and down. Then there’s a low tone, no problem there. However, I can’t tell the difference between the falling tone and the high tone, since the falling tone often doesn’t seem to fall.

Once you think you have the tones mastered (which I don’t) try combining them with some long vowels. Makes for a nice vocal chord workout. “ii,” “oo,” “aa,” “uu…”

Thanks to tones, each word can have up to five meanings. If you manage to say maai mai mai mai mai properly, it means “new wood doesn’t burn, does it>” Be careful when asking to have your shirt washed, because you might accidentally ask to have your tiger washed. If you want something, you could say it’s difficult instead. You could call your grandfather a crab. You might confuse a vendor by, instead of ordering noodles, ordering a bear.

A mistake every tourist makes is that instead of asking a taxi driver to take him to a temple, he asks to be taken to a cold. Whatever that means. This is why the taxi driver always repeats your destination.

And, extreme caution must be exercised when purchasing bananas.

Then there are words with similar sounds. If you’re not careful, instead of complementing somebody by telling them they look good (dii), you could threaten to hit them (dtii). Or instead of asking for salt (glua, with a “u” as if in pain), you could say you are afraid (glua).

With the combination of tones and additional sounds, there is no way to write Thai words using Roman letters. Kruu Chutikaan uses a series of superscripts to represent tones, and some made-up letters to represent the unique sounds. But you can’t put that stuff on signs and maps. Unfortunately, nobody ever came up with a standard way of Romanizing Thai, so if you’re looking for a certain street, it can, and will, be spelled in many different ways.

One thing that is standard about Romanized Thai is the liberal use of the letter “h,” which is usually superfluous. Why is there an “h” in “Thailand?” There’s no “th” sound in Thai. And why is the word for island spelled “kho,” when it’s pronounced “gau?” Whatever the case, many a tourist, myself included, has been confused by this system.