It's good to have a plan. I need to be challenged and stimulated, and it’s been a long time since I’ve had a job.

I’m still glad I investigated the business idea. Since now I won’t always be wondering if this would have been a possibility. It’s just too risky, unless you speak fluent Thai, or have a trusted Thai partner (not that friendly young lady you met at a Patpong go-go bar last night).

Without either of these, communication with your employees would be difficult, even if they spoke English. Very few Thais speak fluent English (I’ve met three so far), and they have an annoying habit of agreeing with you when they don’t understand, then going off and doing the exact opposite of what they agreed to. This could have disastrous consequences for a business.

There’s also the increasingly hostile government stance towards foreigners to worry about.

The final nail in the coffin was the latest ad from the Sunbelt business brokerage, which describes a go-go bar as being located in the “highly desirable” Patpong area. Patpong is dying, a relic of a by-gone era when Thailand was full of G.I.’s. Anybody who tries to tell you a Patpong go-go bar, where the girls outnumber the customers five-to-one makes any money, is full of shit.

So, with that out of my head, I can happily study how to teach English. Well, perhaps not happily, because I don’t understand it. I obviously understand how to use it, but I don’t understand why it’s used the way it is, i.e., the grammar. English is an extremely complicated language. Especially when compared to Thai.

I still haven’t learned much Thai grammar, but it’s looking to be pretty simple so far. Heck, if it weren’t for the tones, it would be easy to learn. For instance, there is no conjugation, or verb tenses. I still have conjugation nightmares from my two years of Spanish study in high school, so that is a great relief. All you have to remember is ja for future tense (ja tam=”will do”), and leeo for past (tam leeo=”did”). There are no strange tenses such as the future perfect continuous, and no passive voice.

Also, there’s no “to be” verb. You don’t say “I’m lazy,” you just say “I lazy.” These two examples explain the pidgin English many Thais speak. It also means that teaching English to Thais will be extremely difficult.

It's almost impossible for Thais to lean English because they are not immersed in it. My motivation to learn Thai is high, since I want to integrate, and I can practice all the time. I didn’t learn any Spanish after two years in Indiana, and the Thais are in the same boat.

Because English is so complex, with so many similar words and esoteric tenses, it’s incredibly versatile. All the possibilities that so confuse Thai learners allow me to eloquently and succinctly express myself here (my tongue is in my cheek) in my own way. Thai is so simple there is often only one way to say things. For instance, I could say “I don’t feel well,” “I feel ill,” “I feel sick,” “I don’t feel so hot,” ect. But in Thai, you’re simply mai sabaai, or “not comfortable.” I often wonder how much meaning books lose when they are translated into Thai.

Then there are all the “false friends,” common words that have different meanings. “You” = “to be located,” and “me” = “to have” mess me up the most. But words like “Sue,” “Tom,” “Ben,” “buy,” “die,” “cow,” “why,” “my,” “dang,” “ding,” and “dong,” have different, and sometimes multiple meanings. I imagine it works both ways.

Hopefully, if I recognize and accept that I have an impossible job from the start, I won’t get too frustrated. Perhaps I will set my sights low, and just try to get my students to stop saying “same same.”

At least, after two months of studying Thai, I know what it’s like to be a language student. One of the really bad students that never understands what the teacher is saying.

But, if I can get that gig teaching advanced conversational English to Thai supermodels, it will all be worthwhile.