It's good to have a plan. I need to be challenged and stimulated, and it’s been a long time since I’ve had a job.

I’m still glad I investigated the business idea. Since now I won’t always be wondering if this would have been a possibility. It’s just too risky, unless you speak fluent Thai, or have a trusted Thai partner (not that friendly young lady you met at a Patpong go-go bar last night).

Without either of these, communication with your employees would be difficult, even if they spoke English. Very few Thais speak fluent English (I’ve met three so far), and they have an annoying habit of agreeing with you when they don’t understand, then going off and doing the exact opposite of what they agreed to. This could have disastrous consequences for a business.

There’s also the increasingly hostile government stance towards foreigners to worry about.

The final nail in the coffin was the latest ad from the Sunbelt business brokerage, which describes a go-go bar as being located in the “highly desirable” Patpong area. Patpong is dying, a relic of a by-gone era when Thailand was full of G.I.’s. Anybody who tries to tell you a Patpong go-go bar, where the girls outnumber the customers five-to-one makes any money, is full of shit.

So, with that out of my head, I can happily study how to teach English. Well, perhaps not happily, because I don’t understand it. I obviously understand how to use it, but I don’t understand why it’s used the way it is, i.e., the grammar. English is an extremely complicated language. Especially when compared to Thai.

I still haven’t learned much Thai grammar, but it’s looking to be pretty simple so far. Heck, if it weren’t for the tones, it would be easy to learn. For instance, there is no conjugation, or verb tenses. I still have conjugation nightmares from my two years of Spanish study in high school, so that is a great relief. All you have to remember is ja for future tense (ja tam=”will do”), and leeo for past (tam leeo=”did”). There are no strange tenses such as the future perfect continuous, and no passive voice.

Also, there’s no “to be” verb. You don’t say “I’m lazy,” you just say “I lazy.” These two examples explain the pidgin English many Thais speak. It also means that teaching English to Thais will be extremely difficult.

It's almost impossible for Thais to lean English because they are not immersed in it. My motivation to learn Thai is high, since I want to integrate, and I can practice all the time. I didn’t learn any Spanish after two years in Indiana, and the Thais are in the same boat.

Because English is so complex, with so many similar words and esoteric tenses, it’s incredibly versatile. All the possibilities that so confuse Thai learners allow me to eloquently and succinctly express myself here (my tongue is in my cheek) in my own way. Thai is so simple there is often only one way to say things. For instance, I could say “I don’t feel well,” “I feel ill,” “I feel sick,” “I don’t feel so hot,” ect. But in Thai, you’re simply mai sabaai, or “not comfortable.” I often wonder how much meaning books lose when they are translated into Thai.

Then there are all the “false friends,” common words that have different meanings. “You” = “to be located,” and “me” = “to have” mess me up the most. But words like “Sue,” “Tom,” “Ben,” “buy,” “die,” “cow,” “why,” “my,” “dang,” “ding,” and “dong,” have different, and sometimes multiple meanings. I imagine it works both ways.

Hopefully, if I recognize and accept that I have an impossible job from the start, I won’t get too frustrated. Perhaps I will set my sights low, and just try to get my students to stop saying “same same.”

At least, after two months of studying Thai, I know what it’s like to be a language student. One of the really bad students that never understands what the teacher is saying.

But, if I can get that gig teaching advanced conversational English to Thai supermodels, it will all be worthwhile.

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I’ve been a bit negative lately, in pointing out all the weird stuff happening as APEC approaches. To try to rectify any misunderstanding, I’ll try to put a more positive spin on the City of Angels, and explain why I like it here.

BKK’s a big, exciting, vibrant city on par with NY or KL. It’s a city that never sleeps. All through the day and night sidewalks are full of people and dogs (at least they used to be -- see below) going about their business (but I don’t know where the dogs do theirs, since I’ve never stepped in any). When the day markets close, the night markets open. When the tire and motorcycle shops across the road from my apartment close, they transform into sidewalk restaurants, which are still packed at 2 in the morning.

It’s a city that’s alive and used (or dirty, if you want to be negative), a city full of fascinating, yet sometimes frustrating people. A city where you can wake up with a death-defying motorcycle ride through traffic. A city with a disproportionate number of immaculately-dressed, beautiful women. A city where prices are cheap (and so are salaries), all the comforts of home are available (except books). A city with no insects, and plentiful A/C.

Going to class on Thannon Silom this week, something seemed different. Then I realized that the sidewalks were practically deserted. Gone were the vendors, karaoke beggars, and dogs. I admit, it was nice to be able to walk on the sidewalk without having to navigate past all these obstacles, and all the Thais (already the slowest walkers in the world) randomly stopping to look at this crap. However, what initially impressed me about Silom was all the hustle and bustle. With all this stuff removed, it’s just a boring street.

And the thing is, it’s not actually any cleaner, and the sidewalk is still broken and uneven. In fact, removing the people makes the dirt more apparent. Now the APEC delegates will be impressed by a deserted, dirty street.

Later, I found all the vendors, packed into the lobby of the CP Tower. Could Bangkok eventually become like Singapore, where vendors are restricted to “hawker centers?” Boring.

The APEC nonsense has even interfered with my visa situation, ironically. Due to APEC, police are randomly stopping foreigners and checking passports. They are of course in their right to do this. It’s just that they never have before. Since my visa expires on the 23rd, I figured I would go to Immigration early to get my extension sorted out. I went on the 17th, and it turns out it’s closed due to APEC until the 24th.

I don’t even know where to start complaining about this. What is the logic in closing all government offices for a week? It’s like a cruel joke: “Let’s crack down on visas, AND let’s make it impossible to get visas.” Luckily, I will only be one day over. A Nigerian guy there was one day over already. That would be a bad situation to be in, since there is a chance he could get stopped by the cops (especially since he’s black). I have a feeling that Bangkok’s finest will be unsympathetic to the fact that he tried to fix his visa, but couldn’t since immigration was closed, and will throw him in jail if they catch him. I also have a feeling that immigration will be unsympathetic to me, and will not extend my visa since it will be expired. Never mind the fact that they were closed for a week. I’ll probably even have to pay the fee for being over. We’ll see what happens.

But don’t worry, folks. Unless I get stopped on the way to Immigration on the 23rd, I am legal. I think the worst that can happen is I’ll have to pay 200 baht for being one day over, and I’ll have to make an impromptu trip to Cambodia.

I just hope things get back to normal after APEC. The irony is, who the gives a crap about, or even knows what APEC is outside of Thailand? PM Thaksin has the poor Thais brainwashed into believing that Thailand is the center of the world, and he is God Almighty, because this ineffective meeting, whose only accomplishment has been agreeing to have heads-of-state wear the same shirt in the group photo, is being held here.

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Traffic jam

It’s moving time again.

I can’t take the isolation of my current apartment in Chatchuchak. Chatchuchak, beyond the northern terminus of the Skytrain, and home of the famous Weekend Market, is in what could be described as “rural Bangkok.” There are still office buildings, like the strange Elephant Building across the road, but there are also lots of chicken farms. In fact, there is one across the soi from my apartment.

One of my new criteria for Bangkok housing is that there are no chicken farms in the vicinity.

And no construction. There was no construction when I moved in, but there was an unfinished brick building next door, with several families living in it. At first I assumed that these were the people building the building. But after several months of observation (my apartment looks down on them), their main activity seemed to be sleeping.

Then, about a month ago, a bunch of new people, and their families, showed up. Now construction has been kicked into high gear. By hand, with no heavy machinery, they laid the brick, erected bamboo scaffolding, covered the bricks with concrete, painted it, and installed windows. Now it’s starting to look like a modern building, even though it was hand-made.

But they are very noisy, pounding and sawing.

A little Thai food is available in the vicinity of my apartment, but there are no fruit vendors. There are also no Seven-11’s, and no internet cafes (hence the infrequent updates).

The soi itself is particularly boring. It’s essentially an alley, lined with tall walls. If you go past my apartment, the soi branches. Due to the walls, walking down a soi like this is like being a rat in a maze, since you can’t see anything. But you don’t want to walk down it, due to the traffic.

Since the soi is so isolated, various vendors drive up and down it throughout the day. A pickup truck with a loudspeaker loudly proclaims “delicious chicken.” Another truck selling Indian food (to Indians, I don’t think Thais eat Indian food) blasts Indian music. The ice cream man plays an annoying medley of Christmas carols. And, if I try to sleep in, I’m awoken by somebody honking a horn repeatedly every day at 9 am. Maybe it’s the broom-bikemobile.

I’d like nothing more that to sign a lease for a year in a nice condo and settle down for awhile. But, when it comes time to work, I have no idea where I’ll be. Unless your Point A and Point B are right on the Skytrain, which is highly unlikely due to its miniscule coverage, Bangkok is not a city you want to commute in. Traffic does not move.

Motorcycles are the only way to get anywhere fast, since they can drive between cars (making crossing the road dangerous and frustrating), and drive on the sidewalks (making walking on the sidewalk dangerous and frustrating).

I used to assume that motorcycles on sidewalks were illegal, until I was nearly run down by one of Bangkok’s finest.

But motorcycles can only take you so far. If I end up working way the heck out in Pin Klao, or across the river, I would end up with a massive commute every day until my lease was up. You have to live close to work in the Big Mango.

So, I needed something in a more interesting, less isolated area, for only a few months.

When I was apartment hunting the first time, I had the most luck in the Victory Monument area. Not only are there several short-term (no, not hourly) serviced apartments there, it’s an area packed with people, so it’s great for people watching. Plus, it’s right on the Skytrain.

Turns out that most places are full, as usual. VP Tower was OK. For the same amount I’m paying now, 10,500 baht, I lose the kitchenette (which I never used), the sofa (hardly used), and the sort of separate bedroom. But I move up to the 9th floor, with a decent view, and gain some ugly pinkish wallpaper. It’s a real shame about that wallpaper, but the location is great, which is important to me, after living like a hermit in the ‘burbs. Now the bright lights of Sukhumvit, Siam, or Silom are a 5 minute walk to the Skytrain away. I expect my social life to improve dramatically.

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